Now that isn't what this post is supposed to be about. I have something I have been wanting to say to the many girls out there that I have been friends with and I don't know how to reach out to them except to write this blog post. I don't know if any of them will even read this, but it is worth a shot. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to say but I have felt prompted to write this and reach out. Where to begin. . .
I'm not a very good friend when it comes to being friends with girls. I'm constantly comparing myself to them, whether it is my weight, hair, clothes, jewelry, successes, jobs, grades, talent, etc. I know how detrimental this is to ones sanity and self esteem but as soon as I see a girl the judgments start to fly. It is something I have always justified because that is what "every girl does". I've realized I just don't really UNDERSTAND what a friend truly means. I can share secrets, laugh, watch girly movies but I don't trust them. This is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I think I have been a little conditioned to feel like this because of experiences in my life, but I have to get past it, and that is where I am struggling.
To My Elementary Friends - I never felt like I fit in with anyone. I felt like I was always trying to hard. I got involved in "stealing friends" and talking behind backs. I can't remember too many details, but I let jealousy and intimidation get in the way of being who I was and what I wanted. In the end, I just wanted to be friends with the popular girls and feel good about myself. It never worked and when the boys decided I wasn't a boy and I couldn't hang out with them I was lost. I took that lost feeling and took it out on my friends. I am sorry for being a little brat is elementary.
To My Junior High Friends - Wow, Jr. High was a mess! I wanted to leave all the friends I had in elementary and forget about them and move on. I was pretty excited to start fresh. Again, I was lost, I didn't know where I fit in. I tried to be friends with everyone so I could find a good place for me. Instead I just felt more lost and the terrible part was I had even more people to compare myself to and be jealous of. I tried to be better and to not be the "typical girl" but I think I ended up being more like that. 9th grade I FINALLY found a group I felt comfortable with but that didn't last long. I let my own pride get in the way of friendships as we moved on to high school.
To My High School Friends - I think this was probably my worst time. I just completely gave up trying to be friends. I started to be bitter and take everything out on my friends. I was more insecure than ever and because of it the judgements became more harsh than before. I know I pointed out the imperfections to make myself feel better about myself. You didn't deserve the jabs that I threw in your direction. I just wanted to feel good about myself and instead of doing that I drove all my friends away. I truly am sorry for the things I said and did to you to make myself feel better.
I do need to say this, I know it wasn't all my fault. There are reasons I struggle to trust girls. I was treated terribly throughout the years. What I am saying is I could have handled it better and I shouldn't be holding onto the grudges that I have been keeping for years and years. I won't go into details, but I am sorry that I didn't try to handle it better and that I haven't been able to forgive and forget. I am taking responsibility though to say that it wasn't all your fault, especially to some particular friends.
To My College Friends - I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and I thought coming to college would be a clean slate and I would be the person I always imagined. Change never comes in a snap of the fingers though. I still struggled with jealousy, pride, and judgmental behaviors. I hope it isn't too late to make some of these friendships better and mend some of the friendships I have hurt. I have great friends from college. They are probably the best friends I've ever had. I need to apologize to some though and say I am sorry for the rift that I helped create. Please forgive me and realize I am probably the most imperfect person there is.
Some of you fit into more than one category while others are only in one of them. I just want everyone to know that I am sorry and I am trying to work on my faults. I would love to try to get some of these friendships back. Others, can't be fixed and I know that but I want you to have a great life and do the best you can! Forgiveness is hard, and I need to get over some things. I think this is a good way to start. I want to make good friends and keep them for a long time. So, if I have ever hurt you, please know how sorry I am and I am trying to be better.
To My Elementary Friends - I never felt like I fit in with anyone. I felt like I was always trying to hard. I got involved in "stealing friends" and talking behind backs. I can't remember too many details, but I let jealousy and intimidation get in the way of being who I was and what I wanted. In the end, I just wanted to be friends with the popular girls and feel good about myself. It never worked and when the boys decided I wasn't a boy and I couldn't hang out with them I was lost. I took that lost feeling and took it out on my friends. I am sorry for being a little brat is elementary.
To My Junior High Friends - Wow, Jr. High was a mess! I wanted to leave all the friends I had in elementary and forget about them and move on. I was pretty excited to start fresh. Again, I was lost, I didn't know where I fit in. I tried to be friends with everyone so I could find a good place for me. Instead I just felt more lost and the terrible part was I had even more people to compare myself to and be jealous of. I tried to be better and to not be the "typical girl" but I think I ended up being more like that. 9th grade I FINALLY found a group I felt comfortable with but that didn't last long. I let my own pride get in the way of friendships as we moved on to high school.
To My High School Friends - I think this was probably my worst time. I just completely gave up trying to be friends. I started to be bitter and take everything out on my friends. I was more insecure than ever and because of it the judgements became more harsh than before. I know I pointed out the imperfections to make myself feel better about myself. You didn't deserve the jabs that I threw in your direction. I just wanted to feel good about myself and instead of doing that I drove all my friends away. I truly am sorry for the things I said and did to you to make myself feel better.
I do need to say this, I know it wasn't all my fault. There are reasons I struggle to trust girls. I was treated terribly throughout the years. What I am saying is I could have handled it better and I shouldn't be holding onto the grudges that I have been keeping for years and years. I won't go into details, but I am sorry that I didn't try to handle it better and that I haven't been able to forgive and forget. I am taking responsibility though to say that it wasn't all your fault, especially to some particular friends.
To My College Friends - I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and I thought coming to college would be a clean slate and I would be the person I always imagined. Change never comes in a snap of the fingers though. I still struggled with jealousy, pride, and judgmental behaviors. I hope it isn't too late to make some of these friendships better and mend some of the friendships I have hurt. I have great friends from college. They are probably the best friends I've ever had. I need to apologize to some though and say I am sorry for the rift that I helped create. Please forgive me and realize I am probably the most imperfect person there is.
Some of you fit into more than one category while others are only in one of them. I just want everyone to know that I am sorry and I am trying to work on my faults. I would love to try to get some of these friendships back. Others, can't be fixed and I know that but I want you to have a great life and do the best you can! Forgiveness is hard, and I need to get over some things. I think this is a good way to start. I want to make good friends and keep them for a long time. So, if I have ever hurt you, please know how sorry I am and I am trying to be better.
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